Akiva's salad secret....REVEALED!

Akiva: Whenever I have a Trader Joes salad, I have a ritual: I take out the fork, then I lift the sheathe of lettuce concealing the plastic container of dressing. I carefully remove the cap off of the dressing container so as to not to spill any precious (highly caloric ) dressing on my lap. I then evenly distribute the dressing amongst the saladic contents. I put the lid back on top of the salad and I give it a shaky shaky, a hokey pokey, and I turn it all around, upside down, side to side--making sure all the dressing is evenly distributed. I shake it so hard that my eyes clang around in my skull and my arm fat/muscles shake like a metronome on meth. I then carefully remove the lid yet again, and lick the sacred remnants of dressing and salad bits and bobs. I will now enjoy my salad.

Tallulah: Before I met Akiva, I was a lonely TJ's salad eater. I spent many a night with my two hairless cats for company staring listlessly at an old heavy TV watching tearfully as Adam Lambert lost American Idol. My salads were never evenly tossed. There seemed to never be enough dressing no matter how hard I tried to conserve or evenly drizzle. By the time I made it to the bottom of the salad there was not enough salad dressing to carry on. These were tough times and certainly not ones I'm proud of. These were the times of dry cabbage and tasteless tomatoes. I didn't want give up on TJ's salads. I smelled hope and blue cheese dressing on a cobb salad in the distance. I prayed every night that one day I would meet my TJ's Salad King and he would teach me the ways of his ancient saladic rituals. ----Tallulah Our Bedroom, CA

Akiva: Some guys like boobs, some guys like butts, some guys like both. I like women who like Trader Joe's salad! The moment I found out that Tallulah was a lonely TJ's salad eater like myself, I knew I had found love. Tallulah needed help! I'm not talking about personal growth or self help. I'm talking about a deeply rooted, emotionally scarring, salad inadequacy - one that many people suffer from: the lonely TJ's cash register clerk, your neighborhood mailman, the police officers that protect your city, the three year old you used to babysit. The people you least expect suffer from SDDDD (Salad Dressing Distribution Difficiency Disorder).
Tallulah: Thanks to Akiva, 2 months later I have finally overcome my SDDDD. My TJ's salad experience will never be the same again. It took me several tries to get the TJ's Salad Shaky Shaky right. I went from thinking that TJ's was skimpy on the dressing, to knowing deep within my being that it is the perfect amount.
Dear Friends: Just know that you don't have to eat Trader Joe's salads alone. There are others out there just like you searching for that special someone to share a TJ's Shrimp Louie with. And remember---Salad Dressing Distribution can make or break a TJ's salad. Shake with caution.

-Tallulah and Akiva
Our Bedroom, California